


My One and Only Thrill

by wirewrappedlily



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, somewhere between fluff smut and a character study, you can't tell me Jim doesn't have more issues than Playboy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-30
Updated: 2013-11-30
Packaged: 2018-01-03 01:17:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1063950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wirewrappedlily/pseuds/wirewrappedlily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You’d think you’d get it through your stubborn head that the sex is fantastic, Bones. Should I be asking you if you’re alright every time I fuck you? Is there something wrong?” </p><p>“No. Jim, I take care of myself; I really would tell you if there was something wrong. I don’t need you to ask.”</p><p>“I trust you.” Jim murmured, “Can you please try to trust me, at least with this? That I’d tell you if something was wrong?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	My One and Only Thrill

Jim Kirk had his head pillowed on his lover’s chest, his ear to the other man’s heartbeat, the both of them deliciously naked, sleep-warm and lazy as only a Sunday morning had a right to be. Long, clever surgeon’s fingers tugged through Jim’s honey-blond hair rhythmically, and Jim’s eyelashes were tickling the tan, freckle-dappled skin he was falling back to sleep against. Leonard McCoy laid his miracle-working hand flat against Jim’s shoulder, and Jim grunted, now aware that his skin was chill in the cool of the room only because Leonard’s hand was a blazing counterpoint to it. He wasn’t willing to move to draw up the blankets, and Leonard laughed when he finally realized; pushing himself slowly but surely to one side; an action that would dump Jim right onto the bed. Trying to cling on even as Leonard fell into a fit of laughter at him for the attempt, Jim nuzzled hard enough that it flattened his nose in the attempt not to leave the warmth of having his face smooshed against Leonard’s chest. 

Leonard flicked his ear; his chuckle a warm, throaty sound that made Jim’s features twist into an automatic reaction of being pleased with himself. Shaking his head as he ran his fingers over Jim’s heated cheek, Leonard followed through with the movement that dumped his lover on the bed until he was hovering over Jim, Jim’s hands sliding up over Leonard’s sides appreciatively and a mischievous light in his eyes. 

“I love you, you idiot.” Leonard drawled, letting his voice tease at the Georgian twang. Jim’s lips twitched, the pleased look he was trying to hide just getting worse. 

Jim reached up for a kiss silently, licking into Leonard’s mouth like it was his mission to make the CMO crumble. Leonard let himself lower against Jim, his body relaxing like all Jim had to do was be close for him to release any and all tension. Leonard smiled softly into the kiss, and Jim beamed back, wrapping his arms tight around solid shoulders and humming happily as Leonard let himself lie against Jim completely, comfortable weight pressing him into the bed. Pale fingers carded into Leonard’s black hair again, and Leonard let himself trace down the arm attached--skin smooth and muscles solid under his hand but for the scar or two Jim had on his forearm. Leonard’s hips gave the tiniest of rocks into Jim’s, and Jim reacted as if he’d stuck his fool tongue into a light socket, breathing out harshly against Leonard’s jaw as he mouthed the stubble he’d actively encouraged the growth of. Jim’s hands slid lower, curving over the globes of Leonard’s ass, his fingers teasing now, and Leonard sighed, letting his own lashes drag against Jim’s skin this time, on the shell of Jim’s ear. 

The way Jim Kirk made love when in love was different than the way he made love when he wasn’t. Bones knew this: he’d walked in on enough to know that Jim really hadn’t needed Gaila pressed against every inch as they’d fucked. The memory brought a small ember of jealousy...but the thoughts that brought the memory up left no room for that kind of foolheadedness. Jim and Leonard had sex like they’d been separated for years, left pining to the point where they couldn’t let the other go; couldn’t stop themselves from holding on for dear life. Jim breathed Leonard in: his throat, his shoulders, his hair. He’d wrap around Leonard like it’d take the Vulcan and a crowbar to get him to let go, and Leonard loved that. He loved the way Jim seemed to cover all of him at once; how, for as exposed as Jim made him every day with those damn eyes of his, the rest of him would stand between Leonard and the world no matter what was coming at them, just so long as he got to trace the dip of McCoy’s lower back or bury his nose in the curve where Leonard’s shoulder became his neck. Jim had put himself on display from day one, Leonard had realized; Jim encouraged all eyes to be on him because he didn’t want any eyes to be on Leonard but his own. He really didn’t mind; Jim’s eyes on him was still perplexing when he could have any other person they’d ever met. 

Jim nibbled at Leonard’s lower lip, a dance that they knew by heart now. Leonard kissed him obligingly, and Jim sucked on his tongue when Leonard finally let the kiss deepen past the chaste, teasing presses of their lips together. He could spend lifetimes kissing Jim, really. Over his blond eyelashes and down the line of his jaw; the lines of his forehead and the softness of his temple, where he’d smooth over headaches just as softly and gently as he would a burn or a scrape. Jim had long teased him about being the kind of father to kiss over band-aids, but with such a deep-seated love that Bones knew spoke of how much Jim admired that. He’d take such good care of Jim that Jim wouldn’t have to take care of himself at all, if only it was possible. Leonard wrapped his arms tight around Jim’s waist, pressing them together as he traced his nose over Jim’s throat, inhaling the smell of sunshine and fresh air, there even though Jim hadn’t seen sunshine or fresh air for ages. “I love you, sweetheart.” He breathed over Jim’s skin. 

“I love you, too, Bones.” Jim murmured, smiling happily. He licked along Leonard’s collarbones, kissing sloppily at his throat as he pushed Bones over, pulling the blankets up around them, blocking out the morning light and smiling down at him, eyes half-lidded as he straddled Leonard’s hips. 

“Light sensitivity, huh?” 

“This is the first day off we’ve had in years, Bones. I want to make this morning last.” 

Leonard grinned, “Fine with me, darlin’.” Sitting up so that he could press their chests together, Leonard nipped Jim into a kiss. Jim chuckled, pushing Leonard back down by the shoulders and reaching blindly for the lube on the bedside table. Jim slicked his hand, wrapping it around Leonard’s cock tightly, though his tugging was lazy--not nearly enough to do much more than get him mindless. Leonard moaned, his eyelashes fluttering as he licked his lips. “Dammit, Jim…” 

Jim chuckled, twisting his hand as he lowered his mouth to Leonard’s left nipple, grazing his teeth over the hard nub. “Alright, Bonesy.” Leonard opened his legs, and Jim knelt between them, taking his hand off of Leonard to slick the fingers of his other hand, sliding them over Leonard’s hole before he gently eased one in, watching Leonard’s pupils blow, his lower lip disappearing between his teeth as he relaxed around the intrusion. Jim bent over him, kissing along his cheek, to his lips; soft and coaxing, soothing his tongue over Leonard’s hot lower lip, humming an admonishment that he’d been so abusive to a lower lip he loved so damn much. Leonard cupped a hand around the back of Jim’s neck, keeping him in the kiss as Jim worked a second finger in, scissoring Leonard open. Leonard broke the kiss with a gasp, arching as Jim worked his fingers into Leonard’s prostate. Long fingers gripped Jim’s shoulder, Leonard writhing beautifully under him. Jim watched with hungry eyes, taking in everything while Leonard panted and moaned under him while Leonard was too busy catching his breath to pull him into another kiss. Shuddering, Leonard batted Jim’s hand away from his cock, biting back a string of curses. 

“You don’t get started, this show’s gonna be over before it’s begun, sweetheart.” Leonard grunted, features laid bare to Jim; open and loving under the mask of expectant frustration. Jim’s breath caught; the heat of the cocoon Jim had made for them pushing the intensity of it as Jim eased his fingers back out, slicking himself hastily and positioning himself, just shy of pushing in. Leonard’s features were stormy as Jim held off, laying himself over Leonard’s body, kissing the griping from his mouth; kissing him like he’d been put into a frenzy--kissing him until Leonard was so lost in the kisses that Jim’s teasing took the backseat. Jim inched in torturously slow, kissing over the shell of Leonard’s ear as Leonard yelled out, his fingers digging tight in Jim’s back. “Jim...oh God, you feel so good…” 

Leonard’s legs lifted, hooking around Jim’s hips as he shuddered and breathed; his eyes fluttering as Jim worked himself into his prostate. Jim’s hand wrapped around Leonard again, pumping his cock in slow, sure strokes in time with his thrusts. Leonard mouthed at the freckles on Jim’s shoulder, moaning almost painfully as he felt Jim twitch inside him, close. “‘S alright, Bones.” Jim breathed, kissing along Leonard’s neck. “Come with me.” 

Leonard’s heart felt like it was seizing in his chest as Jim wrapped their hands together against the pillow, blue eyes steady as he let the friction of Leonard’s cock trapped against Jim’s taut stomach mixed like a spark and gunpowder with the breathless closeness Jim gave him with the hand not wrapped in his sliding under Leonard’s body and lifting, pressing them tight. It was better than having Jim’s hand on him, they’d discovered; the slick rub of Leonard’s cock against Jim’s hard stomach was enough when Jim pulled him in and kissed him like kissing him was the only thing keeping either of them alive. 

“So gorgeous, Bones...come for me, ‘cause I can’t hang on much longer. Come for me, Leonard.” Jim panted into his ear, and Leonard’s back arched, his eyes falling closed and his channel tightening around Jim as he let himself go against Jim’s stomach and chest, streaking white over Jim’s flushed skin as he yelled out. Jim cried out with him, his fingers digging into the pillow under Leonard’s hand savagely so that he didn’t dig into Leonard’s skin. 

Keeping himself pressed into Leonard, Jim nipped a stinging kiss into Leonard’s throat, nuzzling into him in silent insistence that there was no way in Hell Jim would be willing to let him go even a little at this point. “I’m not goin’ anywhere, darlin’.” Leonard murmured, soothing a hand through Jim’s hair and down his back. 

Carefully pulling himself out of Leonard, Jim eased over Leonard’s hole carefully; gentling noises in the back of his throat as Leonard grunted at the sudden emptiness, shuddering into Jim’s waiting arms impossibly tighter. “You better not be, Bones.” Jim whispered, “I have every intention on keeping you in this bed until they send someone to drag us back to Starfleet.” 

Leonard grinned, kissing Jim lazily as he closed his eyes, sated and tired. Neither of them moved to pull the blankets down, even with the humid warmth sticking their skin together. It was going to be uncomfortable later, and pulling them off of each other was going to be as delicate as a damn surgery, but Leonard couldn’t convince any of him limbs to care enough for movement. 

They rolled as one, Jim sliding onto his side so that not all his weight was on Leonard, and Leonard pulling him just slightly back; the both of them cursing and laughing at each other as the movement knocked the blankets askew, Jim batting ineffectually at it to cover Leonard’s right knee and Jim’s left leg. 

Effectively wrapped up together, they were asleep before either of them really knew they were falling. It was only a couple of hours later that Leonard was woken, though. Jim had taken himself away from Leonard’s arms, and between the cold and the sound of Jim’s grunts and whimpers, Leonard’s normally deep sleep cycle reacted as if his comm had gone off with a page to Medical. 

Sitting bolt upright, Leonard found Jim stumbling from the sheets, naked and messy and still asleep as he went for the balcony violently, trying to open the doors latched at the top and bottom. Leonard’s heart squeezed, his own tumbling from the bed only just graceful enough to keep him from breaking himself in the act. He tripped his way to Jim, trying to keep the panic out of his voice as he watched Jim try to force his way out. “Jim, darlin’, come back to bed. Everythin’s okay, love, I’m right here. You’re safe.” 

Night terrors were terrifying for Leonard: the first he’d seen Jim go through ending with Jim’s phaser in his hand and Leonard collapsing to the ground with him when Jim finally got talked down; Jim’s head pulled into his lap and the phaser thrown across their quarters. Jim had admitted that he’d installed locks on the doors to his quarters that he couldn’t open unless awake: that he’d woken up before with his phaser in his hand, curled in the most defensible area of the quarters he could get with the furniture bolted to the floor. Jim hadn’t told his CMO, his best friend--now his lover, though, and that had caused no small amount of frustration in him: he would’ve put himself in a cot in Jim’s room, or in the bed with him, had he known. And until it had come out between them that they wanted to be together, Jim hadn’t told him because of all the time Leonard spent trying to stitch his idiot best friend back together, he’d earned the time to rest. Jim might’ve tried to convince Leonard not to move in with him if he hadn’t had that night terror with him there; if it hadn’t come out that he was protecting Leonard from the hot mess Jim couldn’t stop himself from becoming in the sleeping hours. 

“Jim...come back to bed. Come with me. Come back to bed. We’re safe, sweetheart.” 

Jim turned, eyes unseeing as he stared at Leonard. 

“C’mon, sweetheart.” Leonard opened his arms, knowing better than to touch him before Jim let himself be touched. 

Jim collapsed into his arms, burying himself in Leonard’s neck with a pitiful snuffling noise. Leonard hushed him, pulling him tight and shuffling them back to the bed, laying Jim down and crouching to pull the blankets back onto the bed. Jim trembled slightly, cold, and Leonard ran his hand through Jim’s hair, kissing the shell of his ear as he kept murmuring the mantra that Jim was safe; they were together. 

Jim hummed, grunting as he pulled at Leonard, curling up around him once he’d moved Leonard into a position from which to be cuddled. 

Leonard didn’t go back to sleep, though; running his hand through Jim’s hair, kissing him over and over as Jim slept. 

When Jim woke up an hour later, Leonard was murmuring gently, his lips pressed against Jim, muffling the words. “I had a night terror, didn’t I?” He muttered. 

“Yeah, sweetheart.” 

“I’m so sorry.” Jim breathed, kissing Leonard’s eyes, down his cheek, “Did you get any sleep?” 

“I did, darlin’, it’s okay.” Leonard soothed, scrubbing blunt nails over Jim’s scalp. “You hungry, sweetheart?” 

“Starving. You must be in pain, Bones.” Jim eased a hand over Leonard’s stomach, reaching for a soft, gentle kiss. 

“I’d rather lie here with you, darlin’; hunger comes second.” 

“You are a bad influence--you know that, right?” Jim teased, kissing him before moving away, padding out of the room. 

Leonard groaned, feeling like Jim had stolen all his body heat as he sprawled over the bed in an insanely ineffectual protest of Jim leaving. 

Jim padded back in what felt like a few moments later: Leonard having drifted, finally; set at ease that Jim was perfectly alright. Carrying a tray of breakfast foods, Jim grinned as he walked over the end of the bed, sitting down 0nce he’d leveled with Leonard’s chest and setting the tray down in the space on the bed between them. Leonard mashed pillows into a configuration he could lean against, sliding up the bed with a smile. 

“You’re spoilin’ me.” 

“You deserve it.” Jim countered gently, “Putting up with me, you deserve more than toast and bacon, Bonesy.” 

“‘Puttin’ up with’ my ass, Jim. I love you. It’s not exactly a hardship to be with you.” Leonard leaned over the tray, getting Jim into a kiss. 

“You take care of me, which isn’t exactly easy.” 

“It is, though, sweetheart. You let me take care of you.” 

Jim looked down at his hands, shaking his head silently. Leonard wasn’t about to get into the argument with him; knew better than to try, with Jim fresh from a night terror he still couldn’t convince his captain that he wasn’t responsible for. Leonard took a drink of coffee, studying Jim’s nakedness in the late-morning light slanting through their windows. Pale, muscle-corded arms flecked with scars flexed just a little exaggeratedly; Jim making the view a good one for him with an impish little grin, and Leonard just shook his head at him, popping a grape into his mouth as he shifted, folding one arm under his head as he stared at Jim stuffing most of a slice of toast into his mouth. 

Jim let his eyes trail over Leonard, spread out like a feast--a far better one than the breakfast Jim had pulled together. “Why aren’t you eating?” 

Shrugging mostly with his eyebrows, Leonard picked up a strawberry next, biting into it seductively. “I get tired after sex, not hungry.” 

Jim swallowed, his eyes drifting over the bare expanse of Leonard’s chest, down to the crumpled gather of blankets just below his waist. “We...uh...neither of us ate after dinner, Bones…” 

Leonard grinned, predatory as he slid onto his side, the blanket tumbling off his hip. He grabbed up a piece of toast, munching with an air of innocence that made Jim glare. 

“Cheating bastard…” Jim bemoaned, once they’d demolished the food. 

Jim was none too careful about turfing the tray to the ground, but nothing broke, and Jim was crawling onto Leonard’s hips a heartbeat later, bent down to kiss him out of protesting. Leonard smirked, his hands going down to Jim’s hips before he let them slide over the usually-ticklish sides of Jim’s waist, crossing over his back and hugging him close as they kept kissing, coffee-flavoured but careless. 

“Fuck me, Bonesy.” Jim moaned, reaching blindly for the lube and whining when he couldn’t find it on the bedside table. Leonard chuckled, tugging Jim’s lower lip between his teeth as he slid his hands back down to Jim’s ass, rolling with Jim as his hips rocked of their own accord. “Sh-Shit…” Jim moaned. 

“C’mon, sweetheart.” Bones breathed, taking Jim’s hands and pushing him back. Jim stared at him, and Leonard grinned, getting them off the bed and leading Jim by the hand for the bathroom. Jim shivered as his warm feet touched the cold tile floor, and Leonard brought him in, Jim’s skin erupting in gooseflesh at the contrast of Leonard’s insane warmth to the cold of the room. Jim clung to him, kissing every inch of skin he could reach before Leonard backed them up against the bathroom counter, easing out of the kiss to turn Jim to face the mirror. Jim’s eyes burned into the reflection back at Leonard’s, and Leonard bent his mouth to Jim’s neck, nipping the skin. Jim jerked in his arms, moaning as Leonard’s hands traced around his hips, getting a loose grip on his cock and pumping too lightly, Jim’s hands slamming down on the counter as he tried to buck back against Leonard’s erection leaking over his skin. Leonard’s hand reached up, taking Jim by the hair and making him look up into their reflection, the tips of his fingers digging into Jim’s scalp, massaging. “Look at you, darlin’.” 

Jim shuddered, bending over the counter with his face still turned to the reflection of them, offering himself back to Leonard wantonly. 

“Hush, sweetheart.” Leonard soothed, reaching for the extra bottle of lube kept in the drawer, taking his hands off of Jim with a bitten out curse as he struggled to open the damn thing. Jim laughed, voice husky, watching Leonard scowl over his shoulder. 

Finally getting it open, Leonard was quick in slicking his fingers and slide one into Jim, watching as Jim’s eyes squeezed closed, his lips tightening as he made himself relax. Leonard bit back another curse, berating himself for taking it too fast, and resolving to slow it down, to draw it out. Jim moaned weakly, his lips parting and the tension in his back melting away as Leonard carefully drew his finger out, easing gently around the circle of muscles with the tip before carefully pushing just slightly further in. 

“Sorry, darlin’.” 

Jim turned his head, searching for a kiss that came so gently and lovingly that Jim felt himself throb with the need of that feeling. “Bones, please…” He whispered against Leonard’s lips, “Need you.” 

Leonard kissed under Jim’s jaw, wrapped around him carefully, “No, sweetheart. I’m takin’ my time with you. Don’t get that often enough…don’t get to take you apart like this...put you back together. Never enough time.” 

Jim groaned, moving back against him. Leonard ringed a second finger over the clench of Jim’s hole, teasing him with the promise of more, and Jim swore whole-heartedly, looking up into their reflections with fever-bright eyes, his skin flushed so red it could’ve glowed. Leonard stared right back at him, his free hand threading over Jim’s chest, pulling him back against Leonard, uncurling him so that Leonard could see him from face to his weeping cock in the mirror. Jim laid his head back against Leonard’s shoulder, eyes dropped to half-lidded slits of blue, his tongue running over his lips as he gasped and panted. Jim reached back, his arm a curl of muscle as he gripped Leonard’s hair, one leg rising onto the counter, the shift getting Jim even looser around Leonard’s finger. Leonard gave in to that; letting the second finger work in alongside the first with deft strokes and watching the clench and release of Jim’s ribcage as he caught out a yell of a moan, panting. 

“God, you’re beautiful.” Leonard murmured, and Jim shuddered at the sound of his voice, his mouth falling open. 

“Bones...Bones, please.” Leonard hummed, sucking a kiss under his ear. “C’mon, I’m not made of glass.” 

Leonard chuckled against Jim’s neck. “Patience, sweetheart.” 

Jim snorted, “You’re one to talk, Bones. Pushiest bottom I know.”

“And you just give me what I ask for…” Bones muttered like he was chastising that behaviour. He twisted his fingers, and Jim twitched as he pressed into that perfect bundle of nerves, “I’ll give you what you want, sweetheart, just wait.” 

“Bones!” 

Leonard shook his head, “You infant.” 

Jim laughed, panting as Bones removed his fingers, “I love your damn hands, Bones.”

Leonard kissed over Jim’s shoulder as he slowly pushed in, soothing over Jim’s stomach, holding him back against Leonard’s chest. Jim wrapped his hand around Leonard’s, pumping his cock with him. “Open your eyes, sweetheart. Watch.” 

Blue eyes opened hazily, and Leonard stared into his eyes, bleeding warmth into Jim’s back, from wrapped around his chest. Jim urged him into a sloppy kiss, arching back against him. Leonard groaned as Jim twisted out of his arms, pushing him backwards towards the shower, Leonard picking him up, Jim’s legs wrapping around his waist as Leonard pushed back in, burying his face in Jim’s throat as Jim reached behind his back to turn on the shower, Leonard flinching as cold water burst from the shower head. Jim whined in sympathy, kissing his ear, “Sorry.” 

Leonard grunted, turning his head to coax kisses Jim had changed positions to get. Jim leaned back against the tiles, one hand braced on against the wall while Leonard rolled his hips, burying himself into Jim’s prostate as he wrapped his hands around Jim’s hips, the both of them moaning as the water finally heated, Leonard bringing Jim up against his chest, into the pour of water. “The lube...’s it gonna wash away?” 

“No.” Jim managed, rubbing water through Leonard’s hair with desperately clinging hands, “Lube’s good.” Jim locked ankles behind Leonard’s back, rolling down on Leonard’s thrusts so beautifully that Leonard was going mad. 

Water ran over them, into their mouths as they mashed their mouths together in kiss after kiss, messy and so good that Leonard had to shift his grip before they both fell on their asses. When they were both desperate for air, Jim broke off, pulling in a gasp of air before pressing even sloppier kisses to Leonard’s face. 

“Bones, Bones…” 

Leonard wrapped his hand around Jim’s cock, and Jim’s hole tightened around him, stars bursting in front of Leonard’s eyes all at once. Jim moaned as Leonard emptied himself in a hot rush, pressing down against Leonard’s cock as the last of his orgasm shook through him. Jim kissed him lazily through the aftershocks, smiling smugly to himself as he did. Leonard groaned into Jim’s heated skin, kissing away rivulets of water as they poured over the pale curves of his collarbones. Jim kissed his hair, and Leonard’s arms shook as he let Jim down, sliding out of the clench of Jim’s hole. Jim held back a whine at the loss, letting Leonard lean him against the tile wall again and groaning as Leonard got to his knees, taking Jim into his mouth as far as he could in one go, his hand curving around what was left as the salty tang of precum and Jim burst coiled, heady, on his tongue. 

Leonard slid his fingers up as he licked and sucked at Jim’s cock, Jim open and loose as he slid three fingers in--the slick holding out for them. Jim’s head cracked back against the wall as he threw it back to moan, and Leonard hummed around him in sympathy. Working his tongue over the swollen, throbbing heat of the head, Leonard wished he could look up at Jim’s expression, but with the water coursing down, he wouldn’t see much. He heard the click of a cap, and then Jim’s hands were in his hair, and shampoo began to sud under the working fingers. For one moment, Leonard felt almost dejected that Jim had the brainpower to be washing his hair while Leonard was making an effort to suck his brain out through his cock, but then Jim cried out softly, tugging on his hair, and Leonard knew instinctively that Jim wasn’t using his brain to do that, not really. Strong thighs began to shake, and Leonard sucked hard, twisting his fingers to force him over the edge. 

“Bones! Shit, Bones!” Jim yelled. 

Shaking, Jim slid down the side of the shower until they were collapsed together. Jim reached out, kissing him as Leonard pulled him on his lap. Jim could taste himself on Leonard’s tongue, water running into his mouth flavoured with the mix of them. 

Leonard kissed the water off his eyelashes, grinning at Jim as they finally managed to look at each other. Leonard reached up, bringing down the bar of soap and rubbing a lather up between his palms, reaching out to scrub dried cum off of Jim’s skin gently enough that it didn’t pull at the scant chest hair. 

“You okay?” 

“Bones, you don’t have to ask me if I’m alright every time you fuck me.” Jim murmured, sliding away from the soap to pull himself further into Leonard’s chest. “I’d tell you if there was something wrong.” 

“Uh-huh. Like you usually tell me what’s wrong?” Leonard snipped sarcastically, rubbing lather over Jim’s shoulders, down his back; since those were the easiest places to reach with Jim wrapped around him. 

“You’d think you’d get it through your stubborn head that the sex is fantastic, Bones. Should I be asking you if you’re alright every time I fuck you? Is there something wrong?” 

“No. Jim, I take care of myself; I really would tell you if there was something wrong. I don’t need you to ask.”

“I trust you.” Jim murmured, “Can you please try to trust me, at least with this? That I’d tell you if something was wrong?” 

“I do trust you, Jim, it’s just...You’re too important. Letting you get hurt isn’t an option. I love you too damn much...having you hurt because of me isn’t happening. And I _need_ to know, because even though I know you’d tell me, I can’t let it go.” 

Jim turned his face towards Leonard’s though he didn’t get out of Leonard’s neck, and Jim’s fingers found Leonard’s and tangled up with them in the warm deluge. “I worry about you, Bones. I worry about how much you worry. You don’t sleep well with me. You fret about sex, about whether or not I eat, or if I’m injured and hiding it when you know I haven’t hidden a damn thing from you in years. You’re my best friend, and I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything, and that includes being Captain. But I feel like I’m bad news for you, Bones. Like I’m ruining you, because you never stop worrying--” 

Leonard pulled Jim’s face out of his throat, looking into his eyes with wild, golden eyes of his own. “Don’t you dare, Kirk. Don’t.” He choked. 

“I’m not,” Jim sighed, kissing the lines on his forehead away as much as he could, “I’m too selfish to let you go, Leonard. You’re gonna have to want to leave.” 

“Never.” 

Jim swallowed, pressing his eyes closed as Leonard and he breathed each other in, “The night terrors...I need to figure a way to get rid of them, Bones. I need you to sleep through the night. If...If you’d sleep in your quarters, in another room...I’d lock myself down, like I did before we…” 

“I can’t sleep without you, darlin’, don’t ask me to try.” Leonard murmured, “I do sleep, and I sleep well when I’m with you. The night terrors are something we can get through--” 

“You don’t sleep after I have one, Bones.” Jim insisted on a hiss, tense and angry. “Don’t try to tell me that you do. I know you. I know the look in your eyes after I have one. The worry and the fatigue and the damn relief that breaks me every time I see it because I shouldn’t be putting you through this. There’s no way to cure a night terror; nothing we can do that won’t end up bad. If you want me to take care of you, you’ve gotta take care of yourself.” 

“Jim, I’m not leavin’ you to your night terrors. You weren’t safe before we started, not really, and I’ll be damned before I abandon you like that. I will not let you go. I love you too damn much. Now, we will find a way to get you through the night, sweetheart, because that’s what we do. You and I perform miracles for each other, it’s damn time we turned our powers on this. We’ll figure out therapy if we have to, darlin’, but you’re the man I choose; I’m not leaving our bed now that we’ve finally gotten there.” 

Jim stared at Leonard’s shoulder for a long time, eyes unseeing, “Do you ever wish...that all the things that happened never had?” 

Leonard’s breath caught, and he brought Jim’s chin up until he could look into those blue eyes, “Not for a damn second.” Leonard whispered, “My past hurt...your past makes me wish I could’ve crawled through hell than have you go through it...but, Jim, if one thing was taken out of our pasts, if we hadn’t gone through all we went through, I wouldn’t be sittin’ in a damn shower with you on Risa, with a leave’s worth of time to fuck spread ahead of us in a private villa on a private beach. We wouldn’t be here, and that would hurt me worse than anything ever could. I’m desperate not to lose you, darlin’, but I’d’ve died if I’d never gotten to have you.” 

Jim pulled him in for a savage hug, eyes full of tears as he squeezed Leonard tight. “In another world, you still with Jocelyn--” 

“I’d be going through life missing a spark, Jim. No heat, no light. I didn’t know how bereft I was ‘til I had you and I knew what it was like to be held by a damn inferno.” Jim pressed their foreheads together, and something eased in Leonard’s chest, because he knew Jim got it. 

“I’d be dead.” Jim whispered, “There’s no me without you.” Leonard choked on a laugh, shaking his head once, because, really, there was no Leonard without Jim, either. 

“I love you, sweetheart. More than air.” 

“I love you, too, Bones.” 

“Let’s get cleaned up and see if we can’t convince our anatomy to perform a miracle or two.” Leonard muttered into his ear, smirking at the fond sigh Jim gave him. 

“I don’t know about you, Bones, but when it comes to you, my anatomy doesn’t need a damn miracle.”

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to [blackholesandtribbleations](http://blackholesandtribbleations.tumblr.com/).


End file.
